At times we may find ourselves ruminating over something we’ve done wrong. For example, you may have lied, wronged someone, or lashed out in anger. As a result, you find yourself repeatedly apologizing or criticizing yourself. This cycle can go on for years, and no matter how many times you apologize, you still feel bad. You may even try to tell yourself that you’ve changed, or recite the reasons that caused you to commit the wrong thing in the first place. You may feel some relief for a moment, but the cycle continues. This is what it’s like to be stuck in guilt.
This can lead to emotional entrapment in shame and worthlessness. As well as constantly punishing yourself, instead of focusing on truly being accountable and repairing damage done.
So, what do you do?
Guilt is defined as “a feeling of deserving blame for offenses” (Merriam Webster’s Dictionary). In other words, believing that you should be charged with the responsibility of doing something you believe is wrong.
That means, guilt requires two things from us:
- To acknowledge that we’ve done something wrong
- To accept that we’ve done something wrong.
Guilt is pretty good at helping us do step one.
Step two is a bit more challenging.
To accept means to no longer have a problem with the existence of something. You see, there’s usually a second-hand emotion that tags along with guilt: shock. Shock at ourselves for committing the wrong we’ve done. Shock that we actually were able to hurt someone so badly. Shock that we failed to meet our own expectations of being good and faultless.
It’s hard to accept something we are shocked about. So, even though you’re able to name the wrong you’ve done, your disbelief that you did it stops you from accepting that you did it.
Why is it so hard for us to believe we could cause someone else pain? Why is that shocking to us? Take some time to answer that question for yourself.
It’s important that foundationally you understand you are a good person who is still capable of doing bad things. Good does not equate to perfect. Knowing you are a good person means you understand that your value, worthiness, and goodness are unconditional- NOT dependent on what you do or say.
When addressing guilt, first identify what you did wrong. Be specific, accurate, and truthful. Make sure to include evidence to support what you’re saying.
Ex. I lied to my partner several times because I was afraid she would criticize me. (List each occurrence of the offence)
Once you’re able to identify the wrong thing you’ve done. Acknowledge, own, and validate it.
Guilt, supported with rational evidence, should be validated, not avoided.
Ex. Yes, I lied. This is a fact. I did do something wrong, so I understand why I feel guilty. I feel guilty and that’s ok.
If shock prevents you from being able to accept that you did something wrong, validate the shock.
Ex. I’m shocked at myself for lying. I didn’t know I was capable of doing this. I’m learning that I’m human and capable of failing and causing pain, even if unintended. I understand where this shock is coming from and it’s ok.
Most times, just validating (accepting) your feelings in this way will provide some relief. You may need to repeat this step several times before you’re able to truly accept that you have done wrong. Once you’ve accepted the wrong you’ve done, you are in a better position to evaluate how to repair the damage done.
Guilt, unsupported by rational evidence, needs to be reassessed. If you are unable to find evidence to show that you have actually done something wrong, then feelings of guilt may be irrational or an indication of another issue.
This is sometimes the case in cultures where shame and respect of elders are highly valued. For example, you may have chosen to decrease visitation with a family member because of their constant criticisms and demeaning words. You have not cut them off or criticized them. You simply stated that you wish to spend time with them when they can speak more positively about you. In this case, it would be challenging to name a specific wrong you’ve done, but because you’ve been accused of being disrespectful, you feel guilty.
Additionally, there may be cases where the shock and intensity of the wrong done are grave, and repair may not be possible due to other factors. In such cases, processing these feelings through therapy may be most helpful.
You don’t have to stay stuck in guilt. You can process and move through evidenced guilt by validating, accepting, and repairing. We all falter and fail to live up to our own expectations of being good, kind, loving, and brave. This is human and should be accepted and expected. This does not mean we are bad, it simply means we are imperfect. Good and imperfect.
-Megan Mootoo, RP, MPS, MA
