Every parent knows that children can experience moments of dysregulation—those times when emotions run high, and they struggle to cope with overwhelming feelings. In these moments, parents can play a crucial role in helping their children regain their emotional balance. A compassionate approach that emphasizes Regulation, Relate, and Reflect can be incredibly effective in calming a dysregulated child and fostering emotional resilience.

1. Regulation: Ground yourself first

The first step in calming a dysregulated child is ensuring that you, as the parent, are emotionally regulated yourself. Children are incredibly attuned to their caregivers’ emotions, and if you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, it can heighten their distress. Here’s how to achieve self-regulation:

• Take Deep Breaths: Before responding to your child, pause and take a few deep breaths. This simple act can help you calm your own nervous system, making it easier to approach the situation with clarity and compassion.
• Stay Present: Ground yourself in the moment. Focus on your senses—what you can see, hear, or feel. This mindfulness can help reduce anxiety and improve your emotional state.
• Maintain a Calm Voice: When speaking to your child, use a soft, soothing tone. A calm voice can have a grounding effect, helping to lower your child’s emotional intensity.

In this place, your child cannot hear or comprehend what you are saying to them so your presence is most important! Wether it is an embrace, reassurance that you are right there with them, etc., your grounded, safe presence is crucial for creating calmness for their developing nervous system

2. Relate: Connecting with Your Child

Once you’ve established your own emotional grounding, the next step is to connect with your child. Relating to them involves showing empathy and understanding, which can help them feel seen and heard.

• Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel upset, angry, or frustrated. Use statements like, “I can see that you’re really upset right now. That’s okay; it happens to everyone.” Validating their feelings helps them understand that their emotions are normal and acceptable.
• Get Down to Their Level: Physically lowering yourself to your child’s eye level can create a sense of safety and connection. This gesture makes you more approachable and encourages them to engage with you.
• Use Gentle Touch: If appropriate, a comforting touch—a hand on their back, a hug, or holding their hand—can provide reassurance and create a sense of security. Be mindful of your child’s preferences, as not all children respond positively to touch in difficult moments.

3. Reflect: Encouraging Emotional Insight

Once your child has calmed down, it’s important to engage in reflection. This step helps them process their emotions and learn how to manage them more effectively in the future.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Once they are regulated, encourage them to express their feelings by asking open-ended questions like, “What happened that made you feel this way?” or “Can you tell me more about what you were feeling?” This promotes self-awareness and helps them articulate their emotions. Explore with them in a non judgemental tone that demonstrates to them that you both are trying to better understand what happened for them so that you are better able to support them in the future. Sometimes our kiddos do not have the words to express how they are feeling so do your best to use conjecture – offer your thoughts if they are struggling to find the words to explain and see if any of this resonates with them.
• Explore Solutions Together: Encourage your child to think about what they can do differently next time they feel dysregulated. Discussing potential coping strategies can empower them and give them tools for the future. For instance, you might suggest taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or using a stress ball. Practice these together so they know what they feel like on a regular basis so they can use them in the moment when needed. You are the BEST guide.
• Normalize Emotions: Remind your child that everyone experiences strong emotions, and it’s a normal part of life. Share your own experiences (appropriate for their age) to illustrate that feeling upset is something everyone faces and can learn from.